The Bad and the Really Good

It is 9:24pm right now. The past 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions. I was scheduled for a blood test yesterday to see if I was pregnant. I chose the latest appointment at 6:15 in the evening so Reagan could come with me. I was 50/50 on whether or not implantation worked. I told myself that I'd be just fine if it didn't work. When we were called in to do the blood draw, the doctor said the results wouldn't be back until the morning. So I asked if it was too early to do a urine sample. The nurse said it could detect if I was pregnant. I waited all day to find out, so I did the test. Maybe I was more hopeful than I had thought. Because when the test came back negative, it felt like a tall glass shattered beneath me. The tears started rolling and I couldn't stop. My doctor had asked Reagan and I how things were going beforehand since I was in such a high dose of hormones. I didn't know how to stop being so upset. I didn't want Hadley to see me that way so I went into the spare bedroom to be alone. The last time I felt more level headed when I got the negative result after the first failed IVF cycle. This time I felt like, with my doctor saying that I could only do Clomid two more rounds (although it has never worked for me), it was the end of the road for the time being, with the cost of adoption being so high.

So, I took two sleeping pills to stop thinking of it, so I could function and work in the morning. Smart right? When I woke up this morning, my eyes were so red and swollen. I had to manipulate my very small eyelids so they didn't look like Kwazimoto. For some reason, my tears felt like acid on my face and caused a rash around my eyes as well. I felt like I was going to get another rejection today from my blood test, so I opted not to put on any makeup and cuddled with Hadley a little longer this morning instead.

Reagan called me before the kids came in. He said right away, " Honey, we are pregnant!" I said you are a jerk, why would you say that to me.  He then told me that my doctor tried to call me to let me know the blood test came back as being positive. I was so confused and feeling really guilty for taking the sleeping medicine the night before.

We are so happy. But it doesn't feel real still. Now we need to know how many!

I know that with all of your thoughts and prayers that this is why we are in this great position. Our gratefulness for all of you is unending. Thank you for all of your love and support! ❤️