Snow Days

Today is Friday. The third snow day, here in Redmond. Meaning no school. It really couldn't have come at a better time. The past two weeks I have been through a wide range of emotions. First I thought IVF failed again, and then I got the message the next day, that I was pregnant. For a week, I was in shock, I felt excited, and anxious to see the baby or babies in an ultrasound in the next few weeks. However, on Saturday, my body started to reject the pregnancy.  Reagan had a game in Prineville. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. I didn't want to drag anyone into my mess of emotions, but had no idea if I was overreacting or what to do. I called my friend, Lisa. She was able to guide and take me to where I needed to go.  Since, my regular doctor was off and after speaking with the doctor on call from my OB, I was told to go into the ER.

We stayed at the ER for a little over four hours. They did a blood test to check my levels, an ultrasound, and a couple of other tests. My HGC level was over 1,000, but was told I had to do another blood test on Monday. So, I waited until school was out. I then found out that my levels were at 195 and that I was in the process of miscarrying. I went to school the next day. It was an ok day. I wasn't happy about the news by any means, but was able to get through the day. I was really glad to have a snow day the following day. I thought I was over being upset and then someone at the dentist asked me on Wednesday, if I thought I might be pregnant, because if I was, I couldn't do x-rays. I told them that I still might be. Although, I know in my heart that I am not, I still have that small glimmer of hope, that one of the embryos are still there. But then, if it was, it wouldn't be healthy.

I am not the only person going through this struggle to get pregnant. It is not fun, but something will work out. Not sure what yet. But something will.

Thank you for all of you love and support.

Until next time.

The Bad and the Really Good

It is 9:24pm right now. The past 24 hours has been a whirlwind of emotions. I was scheduled for a blood test yesterday to see if I was pregnant. I chose the latest appointment at 6:15 in the evening so Reagan could come with me. I was 50/50 on whether or not implantation worked. I told myself that I'd be just fine if it didn't work. When we were called in to do the blood draw, the doctor said the results wouldn't be back until the morning. So I asked if it was too early to do a urine sample. The nurse said it could detect if I was pregnant. I waited all day to find out, so I did the test. Maybe I was more hopeful than I had thought. Because when the test came back negative, it felt like a tall glass shattered beneath me. The tears started rolling and I couldn't stop. My doctor had asked Reagan and I how things were going beforehand since I was in such a high dose of hormones. I didn't know how to stop being so upset. I didn't want Hadley to see me that way so I went into the spare bedroom to be alone. The last time I felt more level headed when I got the negative result after the first failed IVF cycle. This time I felt like, with my doctor saying that I could only do Clomid two more rounds (although it has never worked for me), it was the end of the road for the time being, with the cost of adoption being so high.

So, I took two sleeping pills to stop thinking of it, so I could function and work in the morning. Smart right? When I woke up this morning, my eyes were so red and swollen. I had to manipulate my very small eyelids so they didn't look like Kwazimoto. For some reason, my tears felt like acid on my face and caused a rash around my eyes as well. I felt like I was going to get another rejection today from my blood test, so I opted not to put on any makeup and cuddled with Hadley a little longer this morning instead.

Reagan called me before the kids came in. He said right away, " Honey, we are pregnant!" I said you are a jerk, why would you say that to me.  He then told me that my doctor tried to call me to let me know the blood test came back as being positive. I was so confused and feeling really guilty for taking the sleeping medicine the night before.

We are so happy. But it doesn't feel real still. Now we need to know how many!

I know that with all of your thoughts and prayers that this is why we are in this great position. Our gratefulness for all of you is unending. Thank you for all of your love and support! ❤️