Let me get the bad thoughts off of my chest first. In two days I am going to find out if IVF worked. I am so nervous, not necessarily about the outcome, but how I am going to deal with disappointment if it comes my way. I have received so many mixed messages: don't get your hopes up, stay optimistic, don't think about it, and so on. I want to think good thoughts, but I am afraid if I do, the farther I will fall. I am so used to getting a negative result each month, it feels like it's only natural that it will happen again. If someone told me I was pregnant, I am not sure I would believe them. It's so crazy how easy it is for a lot of couples to conceive. There has to be a reason it hasn't worked for us.
All of this worrying has made me reflect on strategies I have used in the past to cope. I definitely don't ever get through anything alone. I always call family or friends and they always provide me with the best advice. Of course, I am a wreck at first, then after hearing what they have to say, I always feel much better. So thank you, to all of you who have had to join in my pity parties. When I was young, I would watch the show Unsolved Mysteries, when my parents weren't looking. They said I was too young to watch it, but I couldn't see their reasoning. At night I would stay up and stare at the shadows on the wall. Thinking each movement was an intruder. My mom told me, that God wouldn't put me in a situation I wasn't tough enough to handle. My grandma would tell me to give all of my pain to God and he would carry it for me. Thank The Lord for wise women like them to keep me from being a walking mess.
Thinking about my mom and my grandma made me think about my birth mom. I have noticed that some people say, "I'm sorry," in regards to being abandoned by my birth parents. I was too young to remember anything. I don't have an ounce of anger or sadness towards them. With trying my hardest to have a baby of our own, it makes me curious to know if my birth mom went through the same thing. I have to believe, and I really do, that my birth mom only had the best of intentions when she gave me up for adoption. Korea is advanced in so many ways, but still holds very old traditions and values. Being a single mom or poor is not an easy road to travel in Korea. I do not forgive my birth mom for anything she has done, because I don't feel she did anything wrong and she has nothing to be sorry for. Of course, I would never leave my child in a market. I wouldn't even leave my cat in one. It was a different time and different situation that I will never fully know. I am so blessed that she or they gave me up when they did. Everything was timed out right. I have to have faith that our plan is still in the making. Until then I will occupy myself to the fullest. Jeff and I are going zip lining today. I am so excited!
Just writing makes me feel better. Thank you for allowing me to vent. I love you all!
Okinawan sunset. Too bad you can't see the ocean in this picture. The water is bright aqua blue.
For dinner, Jeff took me to a restaurant to have taco rice. This is a very popular dish here. The bottom layer is rice. Then you layer it with taco meat, lettuce, cheese, and tomatoes. What a simple concept, you might be thinking, until you put their special red sauce on top. It's indescribeable. It doesn't seem like your typical Japanese cuisine, but you have to keep in mind Okinawa hasn't been a part of Japan since the beginning. Okinawa is still relatively new, in comparison to how far Japan dates back. There are many differences in the people and culture from the mainland, so I hear. On another note, Yori, says sushi here is a lot less expensive then it is in the US and it's a lot better. Too bad I don't eat fish to report back to you on. I guess you will have to come and visit yourself!
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